No, I have not lost my mind. No, I have not joined the transgender community. To explain: in our medieval French lit. class, we performed a play called Jeu d’Adam, in old French. I learned a lot from the play, not just about medieval French lit, or about Genesis or the Fall. I learnt some things that I perhaps should have learnt years ago.
First of all, it was fun. Surprisingly so! It was fun working as a team, coming up with ideas on background, props, ad-hoc solutions which could work within the restrictions posed by a run-of-the-mill classroom. Lamps strung with vines and flowers became trees, one of which framed a stuffed serpent. Plastic fruit and vegetables used as teaching props indicated a lush and green Paradise brimming with plenty.
The play was in old French, which was intimidating at first (since we couldn’t understand any of it without the English translation). But it was curiously liberating as well, mouthing words that I didn’t understand. I could distance myself from them in a way. And I’m glad I decided to wear a white beard and a wig – I felt well-disguised and separated from myself. End result – as I was walking towards the classroom and the impending performance, I was quite relaxed. The absence of stress, ever present in my life, particularly when a paper or a presentation is due, was remarkable. And that is why, as I was walking home after class today, I was wondering: Should I wear a wig and beard everyday? If “I” am nervous, should I become someone else? Should I create a distance between me and the roles that I play everyday: that of Mom, Teacher, Student? Maybe “performing” everyday will help me approach situations in the manner I should, help me decide how I should be viewed and act accordingly.
All of us do that, I think, in varying degrees in our life. And it is not really a bad thing. It makes us more conscious of how people react to us, how they view us, and whether we present ourselves the way we see ourselves.
Serious stuff aside, what made it really fun for me was how involved my daughter was in the whole project. She helped me practice, reading lines in English while I read mine in the original. She made me practice, because she thought it was all a lot of fun. Some of that rubbed off on me too, and it became fun instead of another assignment to worry about. She read the entire translated version of the play, and came up with some very pertinent observations. Reading about Adam and Eve being sent out of Paradise, she asked me thoughtfully: Mom, why is it such a bad thing to be thrown out of Paradise? The earth is pretty nice to live on. I replied that perhaps Paradise was even nicer. She still insisted that it was a good thing that Adam and Eve were sent out of Paradise, because, “Mom, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. They would have been immortal, and we’d never have been born!” Hmmmmm…..out of the mouth of babes. 
I am sure it was fun….! but seriously…while it is o.k. to occasionally go through life pretending to be somebody / something else….dont you think sometime you need to wake up & smell the roses (or mostly lack of it……). Just a thot…..!
But an interesting perspective all the same….!
Difficult to explain. But what I was thinking of was more along the lines of:
you have a presentation to make. Inside, you are quaking. But you need to present a calm, confident front – that is what you want your audience to see. So even if you are not confident, act it. I might want to pretend that I am this super-cool colleague that I admire. Creating a distance between your inner feelings helps you do it – essentially you are wearing a confident mask. (make-up, a power suit, body language.
If your kid falls down from a swing or a tree – you need to act in control, and not show your own fears. It is difficult – so why not put on the persona of this “in-control” mom (which you are not). Later on, you can have a melt-down in private!
Most of time, we know what we are at work – sincere, hardworking, interested, and we think it shows. Doesn’t really seem to get through to the people around, though. then you begin to wonder – how do the people around me see me?
That’s true…. I think very often people (at work especially) do not see me the way I think I am …..so it would be interesting to get their perspective… or dont know if I am better off without knowing their perspective….!
Its…complicated…..